2 failed relationships in one year. The first last six months and he was a narcissistic arsehole. The second I thought better of being transgender, but he was also hard work cos of being clingy and controlling and didn't seem to like me having a life of my own without getting jealous and guilt trippy.
All I want now if a holiday and an awesome birthday. Planning to go to Cardiff end of this month and having a steampunk themed birthday in Welwyn, which has been extended with a couple of gigs in London also.
I thought my depression and anxiety were improving, but since the second break up, my panic attacks are worse again. Maybe I was calm during the second relationship despite his constant clingyness, which would constantly annoy me, especially when Im trying to work or sleep. I have terrible fatigue at the moment and now the days are growing shorter, I'm tired even earlier now. One of the reasons I haven't done any art for a while.
For now I now to have no relationships til I'm feeling better in myself. I realised relationships don't fix you. Only you. I had another reiki session and the lady gave me some sound advice, which I totally agree with as I would have thought the same myself.
I'm really angry about the second relationship as he was so desperate to be with me and then when I was with him, he accused me of not loving him at all. He was moving pretty fast for me. He'd nitpick, guilt trip and put me down sometimes and wondered why we argued. He also tried to change who I am, making me wear things I don't feel comfortable in. Basically didn't like me being goth. He ruined his body by self medicating to become feminine and now turning his back on his female side all together. He also has a young autistic son, who I'm going to miss. I was already postponed from seeing him by his ex wife, the mother of his child for six months. I had five more to go. I always thought if anyone would screw that up, it would be him. I hated that he expected me to text all the time, even when I was busy and tell him every detail of what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I just started doing it less and less. We even worked together on a theatre production on the lighting, which I enjoyed, but cos he ended it, I can't face going back doing another show.
What also pisses me off, is he'd been hiding all of this from his mum and would never visit me. He took it personally when my parents didn't thank him for the show tickets and they didn't know who he was.
Hoping for a better 2015, even if I'm still in the same jobs for another 12 months.