Nearly a year on from one relationship with a narc that ended and another began and I’m still hurting. Still can’t face moving on with another man without feeling I’m going to be abused a third time.
Weeks leading up to a local festival I always volunteer, I have been wondering if the second narc would really show his face, despite telling me via text he wouldn’t go because of me. Come the weekend, I spot him where he was at the last one, FOH tent opposite the main stage doing lighting. This time with his new victim who isn’t much to look at and on the large side. So to me he’s really lowered his standards. I’m angry he’s there AGAIN. He knows I’m there. Day two of the festival he walks passed me while I was talking to a friend. I caught him giving me a dirty look. What was that all about? Am I supposed to be jealous of his new supply? Am I supposed to be chasing him again? Hell no! I’m there to do my thing, which is photography and enjoy the festival.
I have learned a lot of about narcissism and I know the second narc who was at the festival is a covert narc. To me the first was misogynistic, at a guess and doesn’t quickly jump into relationships. He only craves sex, the other doesn’t. The other just wants to ‘mind fuck’. So two very different narcs. The first narcs motives are still mystery to me, but I’m definitely over him despite him being my first time. That doesn’t really matter to me anymore. Sex is sex, ya know… But I no longer wish to do it again after the way he was in bed. I have absolutely no sex drive anymore. Very dominating he was and didn’t like it when I refused to do certain acts. I know my bladder infection were because of him as I’ve not had one since. I can’t even watch Game of Thrones without remembering him touching himself. But I really feel the second narc, the covert did the most damage as I ended up having therapy, CBT. It has helped, but I still need more help I think and time to heal.
Worst memories of the second narc was how forward he was in person and how guilt trippy and judgemental he was via text when he was nice to my face. What always confused me was he’d accuse me of wanting to beat him up when he knew I was angry at him. I’m not even the violent type. He would lie about the type of person he is. He claimed to be transgender, which I always found hard to believe, despite having women’s clothing and cosmetics. He did take hormones, which apparently did really screw him up, but they were dodgy ones he’d bought online. As far as I was concerned, it was a fetish. He ex wife told me he’d go through phases. That I can believe. One thing that makes me sad is he has a 7yr old son who is autistic and poor kid remembers every girlfriend he’s had since his wife and asks where they are. I can imagine it’s quite a long list. He would piss me off for expecting me to quickly respond to his texts, even at work when I’m obviously busy and he’s working quite a busy job himself, a rigger/lighting technician. He would get pissy at me for taking long periods to reply and not say good morning every morning. He said I had to or it meant I didn’t love him. WTF! I have never heard or read such nonsense. Later he was telling what to where and would guilt trip me for being out with friends and threaten to break up with me over it. He bought me clothes I would never dream of wearing (I gave to someone else in the end). He would bore me with a farmer simulator game and created on the Sims4 and make my sim have a dozen kids when I made it clear in real life I don’t want kids ever. He was definitely delusional.
Eventually I was growing fed up with him and started to grey rock. I believe he picked up on this and started to rage a little, silently. I stayed over and he was all quiet the next morning. He took me to work and then started text fighting with me. This went on all day til I finished my evening job and I went to his. He was ending it. He didn’t want his mother to see us fighting and wouldn’t let me leave til his mother went to bed. Controlling or what. I had to get him to drive me home as I had so much of my stuff at his place. He was talking, trying to be my friend, I just kept silent. I really wanted to hit him there and then. Next day he tried to talk to me and I just told him what I thought of him. ‘You are nasty, manipulative, controlling little shit’. His response was like a child was replying ‘that is nastiest thing you have ever said to me’. Honestly, he’s said worse things about me. I just laughed cos it was so childish. I can be nasty back when I know I’m being mistreated, despite the mental and emotional damage I have received from them.
Another messed up thing is he stopped his mother letting me in if he wasn’t there cos he was afraid I was going to talk about him to her, which I did do once. I reckon his mother is also a victim. He never came to my house, I’m guessing because I live with my parents. The amount of times I invited him, he would say ‘yeah soon’. Only time he came close to my house was to drop off more my stuff, which was clothes I lent him.
I did tell a lot of mutual friends about what he did and I think it’s had some effect since I hardly see him around anymore. But he was always a bit of hermit, would only go out for work or drag me somewhere.
Someday I hope I find the strength to move on. Right now I’m concentrating on just me and my work and my friends. I have still been online dating, but right now I just don’t feel its the right time. I’m just making new friends. Also know a lot real trans people and they embrace it.
I’m better than those two narcs. I know that!